I’m in Bakersfield right now, and I thought I’d write about one of my favorite pastimes: cooking.
While most of my bachelor meals consist of microwaved corn dogs dipped in sri racha, I do go on a culinary kick once in a while. Here’s a quick guide to one of my favorite dishes served up bachelor style.
First, you’ll need to get yourself some chicken breasts, thinly sliced. Since most bachelor knives consist of plastic flatware thrown in a drawer from various take-out visits, don’t even attempt to slice that shit on your own. I suggest you buy the thin-sliced breast filets from your grocery store.
Now, if you’re lucky enough to have one of these suckers around to beat your meat (bachelors are no stranger to this one), then go for it. Otherwise you’ll have to resort to using some other flat, heavy object. If all you can find in your bachelor pad are a remote and a coffee mug, use the mug, that remote is a precious commodity. Put your meat inbetween some plastic wrap, or in a large ziploc bag (they’re tougher) and start pounding away.
Now mix together 50/50 breadcrumbs and parmesan cheese. I won’t even ask you to measure because I know you don’t have a measuring cup. You can use whatever here – if you like your shit extra crispy use the shredded course parmesan. If you like yours chicken mcnugget style, then use the kraft grated parmesan. Put your mixture on a plate. Crack a couple eggs into a wide bowl and mix those fuckers up.
Now get a big shallow saute pan (you don’t know what a saute pan is?) Anyway, a big shallow pan. Put just enough olive oil in to cover the bottom. Don’t screw around with this one. I know you’re digging around in the cabinet wondering if you can fry these up in some crisco or butter or some shit. Just drag your lazy ass to the store and get olive oil.
Now put that pan on medium until it gets good and hot. You can test it by sprinkling a few drops of water, or beer, or whatever liquid you happen to have around into the pan. It should start sizzling on contact. If it spatters and starts frying your skin on contact, it’s too hot. If it takes a minute before it starts to sizzle, it’s not hot enough.
Once your oil’s hot, dip your pounded meat into the eggs, then the breadcrumbs, then lay them in the oil. You want to do it real slow, like that stripper sliding into the hottub on skinemax last night. Let ’em cook until they’re nice and brown (you have to flip them and cook both sides, genius). Then transfer to some paper towels, or whatever napkins you stole from the local pizza hut.
Once they’ve cooled, you can throw ’em into a ziploc and store in the fridge. You’ve suddenly got a week’s worth of meals dialed in. Just take one out, slam some mozzarella and marinara on top, throw it in the microwave, and serve with a side of spaghetti. If you want to mix it up, just throw some tapatio and bell peppers on top – chicken cacciatore! Or try a can of spinach – chicken florentine! You can microwave some veggies and call it chicken primavera, or throw some red wine on it, and it’s chicken marsala. Fry up some eggs and sausage gravy in the morning and pretend you’ve got chicken fried steak. Throw it between some grilled sourdough with fresh lettuce and tomato for lunch.